oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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