In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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