It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
