I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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