dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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