Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
