It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
