If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
