i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize