Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
