I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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