She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
