Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
