I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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