I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
