I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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