She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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