I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
