Plan B is the new Plan A
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just want to make out with him forever
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
