also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
