Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
