My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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