Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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