Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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