just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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