My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
