my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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