I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
