All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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