guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
