She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize