ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
