If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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