im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
