I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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