Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
