sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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