you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We left an ass print on the piano.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
