yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
