i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
