Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
