If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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