So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
