i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
