Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
