Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he was CRYING into my vagina
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize