omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
