He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
