There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
