Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize