It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
