I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
