My friends, they love my intelligence
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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