Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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