you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She is in my trunk
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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