Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize