i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
