So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
