can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize