i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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