On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize