I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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