On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
