Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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