So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
