Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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