My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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