I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
