just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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