anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
