I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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